Reflections on Kim Jong-il, Global Thermonuclear War

Secretive, all-powerful, and completely fucking crazy, Kim Jong-il makes the rest of the axis of evil look like the Haley Joel Osment fan club. Example? Kim Jong-il likes movies. So he kidnaps his favorite movie director and his wife, smuggles them into North Korea, and has them make him movies. Kim Jong-il also likes pizza. So he flies out several elite Italian chefs...and their ovens...and has them make him pizza. In the middle of a famine. Kim Jong-il also likes NBA basketball. You get the picture? (Run while you can, Shaquille.) Further thoughts on the fourth horseman:

1. Will this man be directly responsible for my death?

2. Where can I get a suit like this?

3. Assuming KJI does indeed kill me--and I'm not the only one--something tells me this will not phase him. "Fifteen million? Right. Who wants to play basketball?"

4. How do I get hair like this?*

5. Genocide and cult of personality aside, can you imagine a day in this dude's life? Hmm... wake up, take a bath in Honey Nut Cheerios, have hair pulled, threaten to deploy tactical nuclear device, play with pet orangutan and Komodo dragon, etc.

6. Given that this guy is clearly out of his mind, though, it's possible that he is just terribly misunderstood. Like, he wants to take over the world, but only so that he can throw a really sweet pizza party.

7. I don’t care if Mark Foley is eating congressional pages, this is pretty much the story we should be watching.

8. I would strongly prefer not to die.

* Answer: You pull it. Five minutes every morning. Christopher Walken famously said so in this Playboy interview.