The Llama is not the only mammal with powers of speech. There are various instances in modern literature of animals who possess the ability to communicate orally or in writing. Recent exemplars include a hungry goat, and Tom Cruise's dog. Or, dogs that are Tom Cruise. That was why the Llama was not surprised when he came across the following letter. Though the language is occasionally a bit coarse--felines are not as classy as you think--he hopes you like it as much as he did.
Sunny day
129 Barrow Drive
Danbury, CT 06523
Mary
129 Barrow Drive
Danbury, CT, 06523
Dear Mary,
Effective immediately, I would like to establish several rules to will govern our continuing relationship and my continued residence at 129 Barrow Drive. The following items are non-negotiable:
1. Fresh Iams™ every morning.
2. By fresh, I mean straight out of the can. None of this garbage where you ziplock it and sprinkle it with warm water and say “Tasty, tasty.”
3. You clean the litter box every night.
4. Arthur does not touch me.
5. Arthur does not touch me.
6. No more goddamn catnip.
I would like to emphasize that this last item is, like, really mandatory. You may do advertising and all sorts of fancy shit, but you clearly do not comprehend the magnitude of a nip hangover. Picture jumping up real high, like to the TV, and then having the kid blindside you and landing on your head. Repeat four times and you will know where I am coming from, compadre.
I am also aware that the above-named policies may require some time and energy on your part. In fact, you may even have to spend some time monitoring your hyperactive, clearly troubled, Cheetohs-eating child. (FYI, if I actually had nine lives, I would suicide-bomb the little fucker for the first eight.) In light of this, I propose the following merely as suggestions:
1. Instead of leaving every morning, you can stay home every once in a while, and we can watch the Discovery Channel.
2. Isn’t two gerbils a little much? Couldn’t we get rid of one? Nope, I know what you’re thinking—what are we going to do with Squeaks? But don’t you worry—I’m totally on it.
3. If (2) is not cool, then, maybe you could just let me play with them a bit. Or like, let me see if they smell different when they are in my mouth. I’ve read somewhere that happens, you know.
4. We replace the living room wall with one large, bay window. The whole wall. You don’t even have to buy curtains. I mean, who doesn’t like sunlight?
I think that these are perfectly reasonable things to ask in exchange for my loving companionship and my letting you touch me. Please respond at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
Captain McKittles
Danbury, CT 06523
Mary
129 Barrow Drive
Danbury, CT, 06523
Dear Mary,
Effective immediately, I would like to establish several rules to will govern our continuing relationship and my continued residence at 129 Barrow Drive. The following items are non-negotiable:
1. Fresh Iams™ every morning.
2. By fresh, I mean straight out of the can. None of this garbage where you ziplock it and sprinkle it with warm water and say “Tasty, tasty.”
3. You clean the litter box every night.
4. Arthur does not touch me.
5. Arthur does not touch me.
6. No more goddamn catnip.
I would like to emphasize that this last item is, like, really mandatory. You may do advertising and all sorts of fancy shit, but you clearly do not comprehend the magnitude of a nip hangover. Picture jumping up real high, like to the TV, and then having the kid blindside you and landing on your head. Repeat four times and you will know where I am coming from, compadre.
I am also aware that the above-named policies may require some time and energy on your part. In fact, you may even have to spend some time monitoring your hyperactive, clearly troubled, Cheetohs-eating child. (FYI, if I actually had nine lives, I would suicide-bomb the little fucker for the first eight.) In light of this, I propose the following merely as suggestions:
1. Instead of leaving every morning, you can stay home every once in a while, and we can watch the Discovery Channel.
2. Isn’t two gerbils a little much? Couldn’t we get rid of one? Nope, I know what you’re thinking—what are we going to do with Squeaks? But don’t you worry—I’m totally on it.
3. If (2) is not cool, then, maybe you could just let me play with them a bit. Or like, let me see if they smell different when they are in my mouth. I’ve read somewhere that happens, you know.
4. We replace the living room wall with one large, bay window. The whole wall. You don’t even have to buy curtains. I mean, who doesn’t like sunlight?
I think that these are perfectly reasonable things to ask in exchange for my loving companionship and my letting you touch me. Please respond at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
Captain McKittles
1 comment:
So last night I went to the BarBri "in just five hours we'll tell you everything you need to know so you can claim to have scruples as a lawyer" session. The information presented was on the whole rather intuitive. There was one thing I didn't know, however: it is apparently a punishable violation of legal ethics to withhold from the court any relevant case law that undermines your argument.
Therefore, since I don't want want to be forced to wear the scarlet letters ABA on my chest all the days of my life, I want to draw the Llama's attention to the following story, which kind of hurts my attempts to prove to the Llama that dogs are smarter than cats:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6376594
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