Disclaimer: Names, places, and other things-that-may-or-may-not-have-happened have been (liberally) altered to protect the innocent, maximize entertainment, and minimize the Llama's chances of getting kicked out of his prosecution externship. In fact, I’m just going to come out in say that, if this were a book, it would be in the fiction section. But like historical fiction, a la The Interpretation of Murder.
Last night, I took the sweetest field trip ever: a six-hour ride-along with the local police department. Two domestic disturbance calls, one expired car registration, and one brief (very brief) high-speed pursuit later, I am considering dropping it all and joining the Force. A minute-by-minute recounting of the evening:
5:35pm: The Llama shows up at the station, five minutes fashionably en retard. He is ready to enforce some law.
5:43pm: The front desk officer explains that the Llama has been assigned Officer Thomas for his ride-along. He inquires, and is assured, that Officer Thomas is also ready to get his law on.
6:04pm: The Llama meets Officer Thomas. He is not a small man. (Small man = less than 6’5”, 275 pounds.)
6:18pm: Officer Thomas and the Llama respond to a domestic disturbance call.
6:19pm: Officer Thomas enters the premises and introduces himself to the complainants.
6:20pm: Officer Thomas is asked “[w]ho the hell...the short guy [is].”
6:21pm: The Llama introduces himself to the complainants.
6:21-6:53pm: Good ol’ fashioned sleuthing takes place. Llama Tip to Perps #1: If you are on crack, do not attempt to engage in prolonged conversation with an officer of the law. If you engage in such conversation, do not repeatedly interrupt yourself to scream “[w]here the f-ck is [your] pink jacket.”
6:54pm: Good ol’ fashioned arresting takes place.
7:13pm: Perp bus arrives and suspect is sent to jail.
7:14-7:36pm: Patrol mean streets.
7:37pm: Officer Thomas identifies a vehicle with an expired registration sticker.
7:39-7:53pm: Officer Thomas pulls over vehicle, calls in plates, and begins to interrogate driver. There is a Baby on Board.
7:53-8:01pm: Driver explains that his wife had just sent in renewal forms last week, which is a wholly satisfactory explanation given that registration expired several months ago. Plus, driver always gets pulled over all the time while all of these assholes who really do the bad stuff get nothing. Like, the other day there was a shooting on Elbridge Street. Why doesn’t Officer Thomas go look at their license plates.
8:02pm: Officer Thomas returns to patrol vehicle.
8:07pm: Good ol’ fashioned ticketing to the maximum extent provided for by law takes place.
8:13-9:03pm: Code 46 (Dinner)
9:07pm: Upon exiting the parking lot, Officer Thomas observes blue Toyota Camry idling in front of a brick house 50 yards down the street.
9:09pm: Officer Thomas passes vehicle on left hand side of the road, making visual contact with driver.
9:09:01pm: Driver peels out of parking spot in opposite direction. Llama Tip to Perps #2: if you are in the process of selling or purchasing narcotics, and make eye contact with a police officer, you will want to at least wait until the officer is no longer looking at you to mouth an obscenity, appear obviously distressed, and peel out of your parking spot.
9:09:02pm: Officer Thomas does a U-turn and accelerates at maximum speed in pursuit of suspect.
9:09:03pm-9:11pm: --Awesomeness--
9:12pm: Officer Thomas admits that he no longer has any idea where suspect went.
9:13pm: The Llama assures Officer Thomas that this sort of thing happens all the time, really, it’s no big deal, we can still cuddle and stuff and have a good time.
9:14-10:05pm: Patrol mean streets some mo'.
10:06pm: The Llama realizes that Officer Thomas does not know that Llama is only authorized to ride-along until 10:00pm. Llama does not make significant effort to inform him of this mistake.
10:07-10:34pm: Patrol mean street in stationary vehicle.
10:35pm: Officer Thomas responds to second domestic disturbance call of the evening.
10:41pm: Officer Thomas meets alleged complainant and her boyfriend, both affiliates of local university.
10:53pm: It is unclear to Officer Thomas, and to the Llama, whether alleged complainant and her boyfriend were actually part of a domestic dispute, or if neighbors called the cops as part of a very peculiar, if not amusing, form of class warfare.
10:56pm: Officer Thomas informs the Llama that he needs to stop by nearby deserted police substation “to, like, fill out some papers.”
11:04pm: Officer Thomas and the Llama arrive and enter substation.
11:06-11:30pm: The Daily Show With John Stewart
11:46pm: Officer Thomas drives the Llama home. The Llama is disappointed that no one observes him getting out of a law enforcement vehicle.
11:47pm: Important work has been completed; there is peace and justice, and a little bit of law enforcement, in this world.
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2 comments:
On my ride along I'm hoping to recover the two car stereos that I've had stolen over the past two years. If that happens I will know for sure that everything does indeed happen for a reason. If not, I guess I'll just have to keep looking for a sign.
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